Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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