Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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