Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
