oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
