oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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