I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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