just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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