Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
