I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
