Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
