Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
