Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
