We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
