chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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