He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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