Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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