So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
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Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
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