Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
