you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
