then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
