I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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