does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think a kid would responsible me up
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
