Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
we're so committed to being not committed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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