when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
