Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
