my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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