Yo dont text me then not text me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
