I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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