3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
