why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
