I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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