I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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