so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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