I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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