One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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