I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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