My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
