I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
