Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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