Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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