How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
