Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
