Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
