i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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