Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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