dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
