I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
