I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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