I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
