I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
