No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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