Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
