i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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