I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
