I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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