I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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