The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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