Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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