Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
