Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
COCAINE IS GR8
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
