i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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