How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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