WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
