you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
