I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
