pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
